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Hi. My name is cjl, and I'm a classic passive-aggressive personality.
I wonder how many of you out there realized that about me? For the most part, our social interactions have been relatively stress free: a movie, dinner, some amiable chatting afterwards. On social media or message boards, I gravitate towards calm, well reasoned discussions--and I avoid shippers and trolls like the plague. "Sensible," you say. But that sensible approach masks something deeper and not so sensible.
Let's break it down:
1. Conflict Avoidance
When assessing a passive-aggressive personality from the outside, you might think that the main goal of this behavior is to be liked. But that's not quite it. While I certainly don't want anybody to hate me, I think I can live if somebody out there thinks I'm an asshole. (And I certainly CAN be an asshole.)
What drives me to distraction is the possibility of conflict. I shudder at the possibility of confrontation or being trapped in an situation where I don't have a great deal of control. Serious arguments with friends or loved ones induce an almost existential nausea, a draining of life force that literally weighs down my limbs. Over the years, I've had to hire professionals to do substantial work on my house; I've had to push myself to contact these people to get the work done. (The possibility of the project ending in disaster is always on the back of my mind.)
2. "If I Ignore It, Maybe It'll Go Away"
The classic cry of the passive-aggressive personality. What might surprise you is how often this works. A great many conflicts can be resolved if you just take a step back, take a deep breath and let the problem resolve itself. Many conflicts stem from overreaction to a relatively harmless set of circumstances, and the passive-aggressive approach is just the ticket to defuse the situation.
Of course, it doesn't work all the time, and that's a real problem. Sometimes, letting a situation fester just makes it ten times worse.
One of the big downsides of a passive-aggressive personality is that, when it comes to that point of confrontation, I can't react appropriately because I try to avoid it whenever possible. My anger response can be completely disproportionate to the situation. (Yes, a real David Bruce Banner deal....)
3. Beware of Sabotage
This is serious. One thing I have to be very, very careful about is indulging in subconscious sabotage. I realize that if I do ignore my own feelings about a project and commit to somebody else's vision, I have to honor that commitment. There is always the temptation to slack off, half-ass it, and stew in resentment. It's the ugliest part of passive-aggressiveness, and I have to check myself constantly to avoid that trap. I'm ashamed to say I haven't always succeeded.
4. Enabling and Weaponization
It's fascinating when a passive-aggressive personality connects with the proverbial bull in a China shop. The two complement each other: the p-a restrains the bull's overaggressiveness and the bull takes on the burden of confrontation. In effect, the two of them enable each other's tendencies and weaponizes those tendencies to mutual advantage.
The problem with this symbiosis is that it traps each individual in their role. Ideally, the bull must learn restraint and the passive-aggressive must learn to approach confrontation in a healthy constructive manner.
I haven't progressed as much as I would like on that front. I've gotten better over the years, but I still struggle. This shit goes deep.
I wonder how many of you out there realized that about me? For the most part, our social interactions have been relatively stress free: a movie, dinner, some amiable chatting afterwards. On social media or message boards, I gravitate towards calm, well reasoned discussions--and I avoid shippers and trolls like the plague. "Sensible," you say. But that sensible approach masks something deeper and not so sensible.
Let's break it down:
1. Conflict Avoidance
When assessing a passive-aggressive personality from the outside, you might think that the main goal of this behavior is to be liked. But that's not quite it. While I certainly don't want anybody to hate me, I think I can live if somebody out there thinks I'm an asshole. (And I certainly CAN be an asshole.)
What drives me to distraction is the possibility of conflict. I shudder at the possibility of confrontation or being trapped in an situation where I don't have a great deal of control. Serious arguments with friends or loved ones induce an almost existential nausea, a draining of life force that literally weighs down my limbs. Over the years, I've had to hire professionals to do substantial work on my house; I've had to push myself to contact these people to get the work done. (The possibility of the project ending in disaster is always on the back of my mind.)
2. "If I Ignore It, Maybe It'll Go Away"
The classic cry of the passive-aggressive personality. What might surprise you is how often this works. A great many conflicts can be resolved if you just take a step back, take a deep breath and let the problem resolve itself. Many conflicts stem from overreaction to a relatively harmless set of circumstances, and the passive-aggressive approach is just the ticket to defuse the situation.
Of course, it doesn't work all the time, and that's a real problem. Sometimes, letting a situation fester just makes it ten times worse.
One of the big downsides of a passive-aggressive personality is that, when it comes to that point of confrontation, I can't react appropriately because I try to avoid it whenever possible. My anger response can be completely disproportionate to the situation. (Yes, a real David Bruce Banner deal....)
3. Beware of Sabotage
This is serious. One thing I have to be very, very careful about is indulging in subconscious sabotage. I realize that if I do ignore my own feelings about a project and commit to somebody else's vision, I have to honor that commitment. There is always the temptation to slack off, half-ass it, and stew in resentment. It's the ugliest part of passive-aggressiveness, and I have to check myself constantly to avoid that trap. I'm ashamed to say I haven't always succeeded.
4. Enabling and Weaponization
It's fascinating when a passive-aggressive personality connects with the proverbial bull in a China shop. The two complement each other: the p-a restrains the bull's overaggressiveness and the bull takes on the burden of confrontation. In effect, the two of them enable each other's tendencies and weaponizes those tendencies to mutual advantage.
The problem with this symbiosis is that it traps each individual in their role. Ideally, the bull must learn restraint and the passive-aggressive must learn to approach confrontation in a healthy constructive manner.
I haven't progressed as much as I would like on that front. I've gotten better over the years, but I still struggle. This shit goes deep.
