Return to Putnam Valley

[cjlasky7]

My son and I are back at our semiannual home away from home in Putnam Valley. It's the first time back to the campsite since the end of March. That trip was interrupted when my mother was admitted to the hospital back in Brooklyn. Needless to say, a lot of things have changed since then.

It has not been a happy seven months. My mother's illness and sorting out her financial affairs have exacerbated tensions within my family. To be honest, those tensions were always there, but as long as we saw each other on social occasions and didn't have to deal with vital matters, we could ignore them. Certain relationships are strained if not ruined.

I am now on the other side of 60, and mortality is on my mind more often. (Given that I am now the "old man" of the family, that's probably natural.) I wonder if I've lived my best life, if I haven't squandered my chance to write something substantial. I'm starting to brood like Angel, a development that terrifies me no end.

Still...

My son is playing happily with his Cub Scout buddies. His grades could be better, but we'll deal with that back home. This trip is about running with the pack and having fun. I look at him and at least I know I've done one thing right.

Be back in NYC tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing "Parasite" with shadowkat next week.

Take care, everybody.

Comments

[shadowkat]

They do like to schedule that trip during the coldest weekend in November, don't they?
Although possibly warmer than last weekend? No, it was supposed to be really cold today.

Well, I hope it is warmer and nicer than last year. I think you have snow?

I'm learning not to compare my life to anyone's or just see it in relation to where I've been and where I am now, and what I survived and did in between. We really don't have a great deal of control over what life throws at us, good or bad or inbetween, just in how we react to it -- and even that I've discovered is rather limited.

So much of it is just dumb luck. I was reading John Scalzi's post prior to yours, it was just two posts before yours on my correspondence feed. And it's hard not to envy the man - he's a successful writer, with a large house on lots of land, cats, a daughter, a wife who takes care of everything for him, travel and social interactions through what he loves...but I wouldn't be happy in his life. My super-power and his are different. We all have different super-powers and they lead us...where they will, I think. Sometimes I wish I had more control over where they lead me or which super-power I got. Personally? I wanted the ability to teleport. This analytical/empathy thing is for the birds.

[cjlasky7]

It always seems to be the coldest weekend of the year, doesn't it? But we do the hike around Crystal Lake to warm us up. We're roasting marshmallows by the fire. The stars shine brightly in the cold, country air. It's fine.

***********

My problem with my life in general, and writing in particular, isn't that I'm comparing my particular gift to another's--it's that I feel I'm not properly using the gift I have.

I know I am--or could be--a very good writer. But I don't work at it. All it would take is one hour a night, that's all, one hour a night, every night, to sit down and just WRITE. But I don't do it. Why?

Is it because I'm a dad and a husband and I have a job, and....no no no, that's bullshit. When I was single and unemployed, with all the time in the world, I still didn't do it. So what's the problem? Am I scared of failure, of audience indifference? (I had no problem firing off little pieces of Buffy fanfic, but you guys at ATPO were always an appreciative audience. It was safe.)

I love writing. I always have ideas. But I haven't got the drive or the confidence to push these ideas through. I'd like to work out this problem, but as I said, I'm running out of time

[shadowkat]

I get what you are saying...and have felt much the same way.

I love writing. I always have ideas. But I haven't got the drive or the confidence to push these ideas through. I'd like to work out this problem, but as I said, I'm running out of time

Yep. Felt that way myself. I'm frustrated writer. Actually my entire correspondence list seems to be made up of frustrated writers.

What I've learned about "creative" writing over the years is it's a bit like dance, singing, acting or any artistic pursuit -- don't do it unless you frigging love it, so much that you would choose it over anything else. Or are willing to deal with a lot of rejection (can't be thin skinned and write professionally) -- or willing to cater heavily to an audience that is far less interested in you sharing ideas, then furthering their own. I spent an hour on train recently with a guy who explained to me how his friend got her fantasy novels published by catering to her editors and doing whatever they wanted with her story. Even if it meant changing the characters and story entirely. He said her success was partly due to the fact that she wasn't married to her story or characters. And I betaed a book by a friend who did the same thing -- she wrote this fascinating fictional historical narrative about what it would have been like to be a secretary to Winston Churchill at the very beginning of the second World War. It was different. Then her agent and editors looked at it and she changed it into a spy thriller which was a historical version of the television series Alias. All the historical research and detail jumped out the window in favor of the spy thriller. So much for ideas.

I write because I need to get a story that I'm channeling out of my head. I used to just tell it aloud -- actually that worked better. No audience. Just me and my story. Telling a story to someone else is frigging hard -- people are fickle selfish bastards, with very short attention spans. They want to be entertained. They don't really care about your ideas -- unless they reflect or enhance their own.

Also, I write because I'm better at it than speaking. I tend to ramble, mispronounce words, use the wrong words, get distracted, and go off track when I speak. Writing is so much easier as a communication tool. I can edit. I can rephrase. I can proof-read it.

Just because you are good at writing or could be a great writer -- doesn't mean you should necessarily write or become one. Sometimes the Universe has other ideas...and decides you could learn more if you did this instead. (I honestly think we're here to learn not accomplish stuff.)

Also, let's face it -- it's not like there is any shortage of content at the moment. Or shortage of ideas. Actually, that's the problem -- there's so much content out there, that getting heard is a bit like shouting at the top of your voice in the middle of a heavy metal rock festival. I keep getting reminded of the biblical story -- The Tower of Babble. I honestly think sometimes this is the world I've living in.

I walk into a book store and I'm overwhelmed. I go on Amazon, I'm overwhelmed. I turn on the TV, I'm overwhelmed. I go on the internet, I'm overwhelmed. I have stopped caring about the year end review best of lists...because honestly, how do they know? Good Reads Book Awards I looked at -- and thought, I don't know any of these books, never heard of them, and don't care.

And, I have over a hundred books I haven't read. Plus a hundred more in the basement of my apartment complex that are free, and all the little library places on front lawns.

I guess what I'm trying to say...is if you don't feel the drive or energy to write, don't worry about it. If no story is screaming to get out? Not an issue. Those of us who do, aren't necessarily getting anywhere either. I'm not. And I write every day. And have written since I was 9.

[shadowkat]

I'm watching Rocket Man on demand, and it hit me as I watched it...it's not too late.

My father didn't start independently publishing books until after the age of 60. He has independently published six books. Several are in the library at his retirement community. The woman who wrote "Where the Crawdad's Sing" -- a best-seller, currently optioned for a film, wrote the book and got it published at the age of 70. It was her first novel, written by herself, and fiction. Georgia O'Keefe didn't start doing her artwork until her 70s.

You are not running out of time. As long as you can still write, there's time.